Have you ever had that moment where you’re running late for something important, and it feels like everything (I mean everything) is going wrong or impeding your ability to get where you need to go? This experience might cause you to feel the bubble of impatience come from deep inside your stomach leading to an urge to explode. The sensation of impatience reminds me of cartoon characters that have their faces turning red and steam coming out their ears. If you’ve had this experience, you are absolutely not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Practicing patience is tricky and there are a lot of challenges in this fast-paced, highly demanding world filled with contradictory and competing expectations. However, I want to offer you hope that being able to learn the skills of patience is possible! Using self-compassion we can learn how to lean into the discomfort of the moment, give ourselves (and others) grace and hold onto hope that things will get better in time.
What is patience?
The Cambridge Dictionary describes patience as "the ability to wait, or to continue doing something despite difficulties, or to suffer without complaining or being annoyed". This sounds unpleasant, right? The Merriam-Webster dictionary further describes it as "a capacity, habit or fact of being patient." So, basically, practicing patience means that we need to have the capacity to hand discomfort and uncertainty.
Impatience, therefore, is not having the internal capacity to withstand or tolerate the challenge of that moment. It means the experience is really hard and you don’t have the resources (yet!) to handle it. So many people label themselves as an ‘impatient’ person, but the reality is that we’re all capable of being impatient (hello, common humanity). If you’re struggling more often with feelings of impatience, it is likely that either there has been too much testing your capacity or you don’t have enough resources or supports to help you tolerate it. These resources can include a good night’s sleep, nourishing food, ample time and energy, clear and realistic expectations, and wonderfully supportive and encouraging people in your corner.
Imagine that patience exists on a spectrum. On one end you’re struggling with feelings of impatience, agitation and resistance, on the other you’re calm, cool and collected during difficulties. Our degree of patience often exists somewhere between these two extremes, and we can incrementally increase our levels of patience through self-care and self-compassion.
Protect your patience
Our capacity reflects the emotional, mental and physical energy we have to tackle our days. Some days our capacity is lower, and some periods of our lives feel like we’re perpetually running on empty.
The first step to protecting your patience is to check-in with your capacity. How internally strong do you feel today? How has the past week been? If you’re feeling energized, what helped you feel that way? If you’re low in capacity, give yourself some compassion for that and ask what you need to strengthen those internal resources. Do you need a day off? Time outside? To connect with friends? Pausing for water and a snack?
Self-compassion is recognizing that we are not superheroes with unlimited energy and strength.
We’re human and we make mistakes, we get drained and need time and space to care for ourselves and recharge.
Develop a patience mindset
Take a moment to reflect on which pattern of situations often trigger your impatience? Patience researcher, Sara Schnitker[i], has created a scale to assess levels of patience in three areas (aka, triggers):
1. People -others not doing what you need, want or expect them to do;
2. Daily hassles- anything that makes the day more difficult from a long line at the grocery store to the computer crashing before you saved your document;
3. Life Difficulties-making mistakes, experiences of failure or loss, delay in achieving a long-term goal.
Personally, I find myself challenged by daily hassles as I’m often trying to do too much in too small period of a time. I’m often thinking of checking off just one more item on my ‘to-do list’, so when something unexpected happens, I haven’t left a lot of wiggle room to navigate it (hello, perfectionism). The other morning, I was rushing around, and I dropped the sugar container, which spread the small granules all over the counter, the floor and (somehow) inside the dishwasher. In this moment, I almost became the red-faced cartoon character and admittedly said a couple of choice swear words under my breath. Then, I paused, put my hand on my heart (my favourite self-kindness practice), and told myself ‘it’s okay’ and that I would clean the mess later that day. In other moments, I might have given myself permission to be late and get the mess cleaned up, but that day I needed to let-it-go. Part of my patience mindset is to create more realistic expectations for myself, my day and for others.
Furthermore, a healthy patience mindset encourages us to accept that problems are inevitable in life and resisting them makes it harder. In fact, Oliver Burkeman [ii]states,
“Once you give up on the unattainable goal of eradicating all your problems, it becomes possible to develop an appreciation for the fact that life just is a process of engaging with problem after problem, giving each one the time it requires- that the presence of problems in your life, in other words, isn’t an impediment to a meaningful existence, but the very substance of one.”
Flipping the script on these problems allows us to see why it matters for us to be on time (perhaps connected to values of respect and consideration) or why it is so important for us to create that desired change or healing in ourselves or our relationships. This last point is an important one, as many of us can become discouraged and impatient with ourselves when we’re working on long-term goals or healing from past trauma. It’s okay to feel this way and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Some things take time and are worth the wait.
Building the patience practice
Increasing our capacity to be patient takes practice, and ironically, requires patience! I’ve listed some skills below that can help with this process.
Pause before reacting. Impatience creates intense energy and impulse to do something right away. However, what it urges us to do might not be the wisest for that moment.
Acknowledge feelings. Impatience, frustration, and having to wait feels uncomfortable. Notice and validate how this shows up in your body and mind. Provide soothing and comfort. Place a hand on the part of your body holding the impatient energy, notice your feet anchored to the ground, and focus on slow and deep breaths.
Offer compassion for impatience. Validate your emotions and remember you're not alone in getting impatient. You’re not perfect and you’re allowed to get frustrated and antsy. Remind yourself, this is a hard moment and it will pass.
Notice your needs and action urges. Do you want to yell, vent, or argue? Consider your needs and safe ways to respond to them. Going for a walk, journalling or calling a friend might help.
Set timelines for waiting. It can be hard to not instantly react when we feel impatience bubbling up- these are strong feelings. Set a manageable timeline of 5 or 10 minutes (or longer if it’s accessible) to soothe, comfort and offer yourself compassion before deciding how to respond.
I truly believe that compassion allows us to be more patient and patience allows us to be more compassionate. If you’re struggling with frequent feelings of impatience or long to be more patient in your life, consider seeking professional support with myself or another therapist, social worker, counsellor or life coach of your choice.
[i] Schnitker, S. A. (2012). An examination of patience and well-being. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 7(4), 263–280.
[ii] Burkeman, O. (2023), Four thousand weeks: Time Management for mortals. Penguin Random House Canada Limited
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