Self-compassion in pregnancy loss

Have you miscarried, needed to end a pregnancy, or been unable to conceive despite wanting it with your whole heart?

Pregnancy loss brings so many complicated emotions, including grief (the loss of what was and could’ve been), anger (why did this have to happen?), guilt (what could I have done differently?), and possibly relief, confusion, numbness and a loss of hope.

During my last miscarriage, I journaled about all the feelings that were coming up and then I met myself with compassion. I set the intention at that moment to write a blog offering the words and practices that helped me through the various pregnancy losses I’ve experienced over the past 10 years. I’ve been blessed with more than one rainbow baby (a baby that is born after pregnancy loss), and if you’re miscarrying right now, I wish for you to have a rainbow sent your way soon. However, I’ve also counselled many who could not conceive or have a baby after a loss, so their grief included all that they imagined themselves to be as a parent too. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

It's been my experience that self-compassion is foundational in all things, especially when we’re struggling, suffering, or in pain. Why? First, it invites a noticing and connection to what we're feeling. How often can we just go through the motions of our day? Self-compassion encourages us to pause and say, ‘hello you, how are you doing?’ This can feel scary to do if we’re not used to inward connection and it can be particularly hard when we’re going through big feelings- like grief- that we might rather avoid. However, in the process of meeting our pain with gentle, kind and curious energy, we’re able to soften it. Many describe a ‘lightening’ when their hurt was met with compassion. Secondly, compassion activates the motor cortex, which means it urges us to do something about what we’re feeling.^[i]  We see the hurt and we are moved towards doing something to alleviate it.

If you’re experiencing a pregnancy loss (or have one that you’ve not processed yet), please give yourself space to notice all that it means to you. Whether you journal, reflect or create, ask yourself two simple but powerful questions:

1.       What am I feeling? Use the word ‘and’ to create space for all the complicated and nuanced emotions and physical feelings that are present.

2.       What am I needing? This creates space to explore what would help ease, relieve, soften, soothe, comfort, empower or encourage you given what you’re feeling.

This is what I wrote to myself:

I need gentleness. To wear comfortable clothes, cry when I need, work when I need, reflect and rest when I need.

I need to be more present and release the urge to react to internal and external pressures to do ‘all the things’ and keep ‘all the balls in the air’.

I need to advocate for lovingkindness towards myself and from others. I’m allowed to have a hard time with this, it matters and it hurts.

I need to write about this and share with others in the hopes that others can feel less alone. I have the tendency to withdraw when I’m struggling, but we’re strongest together. Even if our experiences around pregnancy loss are different, we’re connected in our loss, hurt and in our resilience to be able to move through this with love and compassion.

Your needs surrounding your loss may differ. This is why the practice of meeting yourself with compassion is so important, as it will help you connect with your feelings and what you need to move forward. For many, I know it can help to find a way to memorialize the loss or celebrate the spark of life that had been inside of you. Consider what works for you, perhaps a flower garden, a basket or box of memories, a stone, a tattoo, a tree or a piece of art. And it’s okay if you don’t want anything that reminds you of the loss, but rather you want to focus your energy on appreciating what you have in the now or what you want to build towards in the future. You get to decide what helps you heal.

If you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss or infertility, consider connecting with myself or a health professional of your choice. It helps to have support, someone to talk to, and someone who understands.

^[i] Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.