Do you find it hard to have fun? To let your guard down and fully embrace a silly or playful energy. Have you been told that you’re ‘too sensitive’, have ‘no sense of humor’, or are ‘boring’? If so, know that you’re not alone. (I have heard all three at various moments in my life). There are so many big and small things that can get in the way of letting go and leaning into a pleasurable moment. However, there are also ways to invite more joy, fun, and happiness in your life.
This summer, I focused on learning more about the nature of fun and how to have more of it! This is not an escape from the hard feelings- feeling them is an important part of growing more pleasurable feelings. As Brené Brown states, “we cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we numb the positive emotions”.[i] So the first step in this journey to fun is to ‘feel your feelings’ and observe any barriers to letting yourself lean into joy and fun.
If you follow me online @compassionate_counsellor, you’ll have noticed that I’ve regularly shared reflective questions to consider in the way that works for you (e.g., think, write, create). I’ve included them- and a few bonus ones- below to help guide you in this process of intentionally and compassionately exploring your relationship with fun. Perhaps, it will even inspire you to make a fun diary!
What does fun feel like?
Think back to the last time you had fun and what it felt like in your body. For me, the first memory that popped up was from childhood and I remember feeling a thrill of excitement and adventure combined with a connection to the friends and family I was sharing the experience with at the time.
Interestingly, Catherine Price, TEDtalk presenter and author of “The Power of Fun” identified connection as one of the three main elements of fun. I do believe that being connected to our bodies, other people, and the experience of the moment maximizes the chances of having fun.
What gets in the way of fun?
Consider the last time you had been somewhere or done something fun, but you didn’t vibe with it. Which feelings got in the way (e.g., fear, guilt or embarrassment)? Which beliefs or narratives got in the way (e.g., ‘I’m too old for this’, ‘I will look stupid’, ‘What if someone gets upset’, ‘I don’t have time for this, there’s too much to do’)? Exploring and reflecting on these barriers will give you insight and understanding on why it’s hard to have fun, and allow for gentle compassion to soothe and fierce compassion to empower you to find your way through, around or with those barriers.
What does play look like for you as an adult and what does it look like as a kid?
Being playful is the second element of fun*[ii] When we play, we engage in the activity for enjoyment rather than productivity. And play is powerful: its good for our physical, mental and emotional health.[iii] If you’re feeling at a loss of how you can be more playful, consider what you enjoyed as a kid and how you can adapt that to your adult life. For example, when I was young, I enjoyed doing art and still find myself inclined towards Pinterest-inspired crafts and DIY projects. I encourage you to consider and create ways you can find your playful *sparkle* again. (This handwritten quote was created by the wonderfully kind and talented @me_and_letters)
What invites easy, uplifting fun in your life? What offers hard, fulfilling fun?
My research led me to consider two different types of fun[i]:
Easy fun (aka hedonistic happiness) are the activities that immediately feel good, but if we engage in them too long, we might feel empty or bored. It can include buying something new, scrolling on social media, a day trip to the beach, or watching your favourite movie or TV series.
Hard fun (aka eudaimonic happiness) requires more commitment and stick-to-itiveness, but is more likely to nourish your soul, align with your values, and bring you genuine joy. It can include:
Cleaning and organizing,
Writing and journaling,
Creating and developing,
Volunteering and contributing (special thanks to @im_brandon_william for this contribution!)
Connecting and building,
Growing and changing,
Reflecting and rethinking (yes, this fun journey is hard fun!),
Learning new things, and
Starting again.
Both types of fun hold value. One gives a quick boost, and one can give us sustainable fuel for a meaningful life, and combining the two is powerful! Positive psychologist, Mike Rucker, called this 'activity bundling'. For example, if you’re trying to walk, bike or jog more, you could use a favorite destination as your incentive or reward. For me, it would be a coffee or book shop!
How can you lean more into the moment?
It’s hard to have fun if we’re caught up in our own minds or distracted by our devices or responsibilities (argh, that ‘to do list’). The third element of fun[iv] is flow- the state of being able to mindfully immerse ourselves in a moment or experience that provides meaning, happiness, and challenge. To find flow, consider what gets in the way (for me, it’s multi-tasking) and what conditions allow you to focus and concentrate better. Fun seems to encourage both a ‘letting go’ and a ‘leaning in’.
How will you prioritize more fun in your life?
We all deserve to have a life filled with a beautiful tapestry of emotions, including fun. I encourage you to make a list of the (easy and hard) fun things that you enjoy and make it part of your weekly- if not daily- experience in life.
My research and own self-reflection process guided me to a new understanding of fun. Fun is flexible and fluid. It can be discovered, created, invited, and inspired. Fun can be experienced in simple moments and planned moments, happy moments and stressful moments, it can be unexpected and anticipated, and it can be felt on our own and with others.
*If you struggle with leaning into fun, joy and happiness, connect with me or the mental health professional of your choice.
[i] Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection.
[ii] Catherine Price, The Power of fun: How to feel alive again.
[iii] Stuart Brown. Play: How it shapes the brain, opens imagination and invigorates the soul.
[i] Mike Rucker, The fun habit: How the pursuit of joy and wonder can change your life.
[iv] Catherine Price, The Power of fun: How to feel alive again.
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