Compassion during change: The 'adventures' of midlife

Is it just me, or is midlife the messiest adventure of self-discovery? (Holy airball!) When I was younger, I thought midlife was all about hot flashes and sports cars. Now I understand that midlife involves an evolution of our self-understanding and includes, many changes, losses and transitions: kids growing up, relationships growing apart, careers stagnating (or even just beginning) and for women*, the start of menopause.

If you're in your 40's and 50's, you may consider yourself a 'midlifer' like myself. Midlife is often a time where we assess and reassess what we’ve done and what we still want to do or experience with an increased feeling of time pressure. (If we’re lucky enough to live to 90 years, we’re halfway there by age 45!) This realization can lead to midlife crises whereby people try to ‘live life to the fullest’, but sometimes in empty or less meaningful ways. Instead, I’d like us to consider it an opportunity to prioritize inner healing and alignment, so we can live the life we wish to without feeling constrained by all the narratives that tell us what  ‘should or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing. We can take this time to release people-pleasing, perfectionism and quick fixes (aka life hacks) and embrace the long unfolding of saying yes with intention and no with compassion. This isn’t a period of selfishness or selflessness, rather an opportunity to see ourselves and others in a more balanced and compassionate way.

Now let's talk about menopause...

In December 2024, I was invited to talk on the radio about perimenopause and menopause with the host of Mind, Body and Spirit Erin Kiers and Dr. Eileen Wang from Modern Menopause. At this point in my midlife journey, I was just beginning to read about and understand when perimenopause starts and all the weird and wild way it affects our bodies and minds, from brain fog, heart palpitations, mood changes, sleep difficulties, migraines, dry eyes, hair loss and even changes in body odor to just name a few! It continues to be an adventure (this is my positive reframe) and I’ve found that it is key to gather information and seek support.

To navigate my ‘midlife adventure’, I am being more intentional in cultivating space for self-connection, self-care, and self-compassion. I feel like it creates a compass providing direction as well as an inner anchor in myself. Does this resonate for you too?

1.      Self-connection. When we are connected to ourselves, we’re aware of what were feeling and needing. However, too often our lives can be been focused on other people: our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, colleagues, romantic partners, and children. We may have learned to be more attentive to what others want from us, rather than listening to our own inner voice. We may also get trapped in the ‘hustle culture’ of focusing on doing more and always being productive. So many of my fellow midlifers have felt like they’ve ‘lost themselves’ or ‘don’t know who they are anymore’. It’s normal to change throughout our lives, but some of this can come from a long period of disconnection with self. Take this moment to get to know you again. What do you like? What are your strengths? What do you value? This can also be a time to try new hobbies or revisit old ones. For me, I find it helpful to journal, practice mindful moments or take self-compassion breaks.

2.      Self-care. This is a time where we need to prioritize caring for ourselves. This includes doing the things that make you feel good and that are good for you. This can include regular movement (physical activities that bring moments of joy), healthy eating (foods that bring pleasure and needed nutrients), prioritizing rest and sleep, and protecting emotional and physical wellness. It sounds simple, but each one can be so hard! Personally, I'm finding that I've needed to create new practices around sleep so that my mind and body can unwind and I've had to make lifestyle changes (no more chocolate!) to manage my migraines.

3.      Self-compassion. Compassion is acknowledging our struggles and responding to it with kindness and care. It can show up in compassionate touch (e.g., hand over heart), words (‘it’s okay to feel this way’), and actions (e.g., adjusting expectations, advocating for ourselves, and going after what matters). Self-compassion allows us to grieve who we were and where we thought we would be at this point in our lives, and it nurtures an opening in our hearts and minds to what we want next.

I’m finding that midlife changes and challenges has encouraged (aka forced) me to be gentle and patient with myself and the process, experiment with what does and doesn’t work for me now, let go of what doesn’t serve me, focus on what matters, and to give myself lots of grace in this messy adventure.

Books I’ve found helpful:

1. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, PhD

2. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer, PhD

3. The Menopause Brain by Linda Mosconi, PhD

4. The New Menopause by Mary Claire Haver, MD

5. They Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, MD

6. The Joy of Movement by Kelly McGonigal, PhD

7. Outlive by Peter Attia, MD

*This blog is written from my lens as a cisgender woman, and as such, is limited to the hormonal changes that are happening in midlife for me. I do hope that incorporating practices that invite more self-connection, self-care and self-compassion are helpful for anyone reading this right now. As always, this blog is written for informational purposes and does not represent therapeutic advice. If you need medical support, please connect with your family doctor or local hospital. If you’d like to process your midlife experience further, contact me and I will try to help you find a mental health professional that will be a good fit for you and your circumstances.