Perfectionism and people-people pleasing during the holidays

Let me tell you about two uninvited guests that like to show up during the holidays: people- pleasing and perfectionism. Perfectionism has us striving to do everything right yet never feeling like enough. It pressures us to find the perfect gift for everyone, send out those holiday cards, bake the cookies, have a festively decorated house with everything ‘just so’, while balancing all our usual workload and responsibilities. It doesn’t recognize limitations around finances, time or energy, and it tends to have us ‘push through’ feelings of grief, sadness and overwhelm. If we stay busy, it whispers, we don’t have time to feel it. People-pleasing has us focused on making others happy, while never feeling like we’re doing enough. It has us saying ‘yes’ to holiday gatherings when we want to say ‘no’. People-pleasing has us taking on the responsibility of holding the holiday peace by making sure that everyone in our families get along (and yes, this sometimes means being a referee and event planner) and are happy. If we’re struggling, it will have us ignore it or push it down, so we don’t ‘burden’ anyone else. Both perfectionism and people-pleasing create unattainable standards that leave us feeling exhausted, stressed and disconnected.

Intersection between people-pleasing and perfectionism

These two are besties- I understand their relationship personally and professionally. They feed off one another and often share fears and functions. Perfectionism and people-pleasing have us:

• Seeking approval and validation. (This makes us feel good, but it’s temporary and shallow.)

• Fearful of judgement, rejection, failure and even abandonment. To manage these fears, we try to avoid making mistakes or upsetting others. (So exhausting!)

• Focused externally, leaving us disconnected from our own feelings, needs, wants and dreams. (We might end up feeling a bit lost in life).

• Highly critical of anything we’ve said or done wrong. (So much time can be spent overthinking and overanalyzing conversations and events.)

  
  

When I shared this reflection on Instagram, so many people added other areas of overlap, including keeping our self-esteem low (@beingtrulyyou), encouraging us to ‘blend in’ but losing ourselves in the process (@drcamilleg), and controlling how others see us and respond to us (@jannyjuddly). And they both cause us to shrink ourselves until we’re nearly ‘invisible’.

Meet perfectionism and people-pleasing with compassion

Self-compassion allows us to see where we are struggling and respond to it with kindness, care and a whole lot of non-judgmental curiosity. It encourages us to ask what we’re feeling and what we’re needing. So, I encourage you to start here. Ask the people-pleasing and perfectionist parts, "why does this matter?" They might tell you a story about a ‘good kid’ that needed to make things easy for everyone or had to stand out to get love and attention. They might also tell you that it feels safest when everything is in their control. In response, we need to listen, nod, and offer kind words and reassurance… yes, it makes sense why our people-pleasing and perfectionist parts developed. They helped us at some point in time, and if they’re still triggered, it might be because something in the present moment is asking for it or because we need to invest in learning, unlearning and relearning new ways of connecting with ourselves and others, as well as our ideas of achievement and success.

Some of the changes you might make during your healing process is how you understand yourself, what you value, how you connect with others and, I hope, a realization that you’re more than enough just as you are. As a small shift, I encourage you to distance yourself a bit more from these two parts* (I call them parts, as they do not define you) and be mindful of how you talk to and about yourself. Author of ‘How to stop people pleasing and find your power’, Hailey Magee, recommends releasing old self-concepts, such as ‘caretaker’, ‘people-pleaser’, ‘over-giver’, ‘peacekeeper’… and I add to this, ‘perfectionist’ and ‘overachiever’ (p. 62). This was one of the first lessons I learned in my social work program was not to define ourselves by our problems or struggles.

Compassionate reframes

Once you become more attuned to the function of these people-pleasing and perfectionist parts, you can begin to gently reshape their narratives from a compassionate lens. During the holidays (and beyond) you may notice them showing up as ‘shoulds’ and expectations, such as ‘I should be joyful and thankful’ or ‘I should get along with my family for at least one day in the year’ or ‘I should have plans for the holidays.’  Individually these ‘shoulds’ might reflect things that we need or want, but often they’re focused on living up to impossibly high standards or the perceived standards of others. Overall, people-pleasing and perfectionism tell us we will never be good enough or do enough.

We can respond to these ‘shoulds’ and pressures with a compassionate reframe: acknowledging the validity of the feeling, need or want and balancing it with some kindness and grace.  For example, “The holidays make me aware of what (or who) is missing in my life- it makes sense that this is hard and heavy. I want to have plans and will seek opportunities to connect with others where and when I can, while caring for myself in my alone time.”

More connection, less pressure

As we develop a healthier relationship with people-pleasing and perfectionism, we will notice that the inner voice that is guiding us is our own and based on things that matter to us. We will be able to say yes with intention and no with compassion, be able to prioritize our needs and wants with little to no guilt, recognize that our best changes moment to moment and day to day, and that we’re always worthy. We will experience more connection and less pressure, more presence and less comparison, and more compassion and less criticism.

If you struggle with perfectionism and/or people-pleasing, consider connecting with me or the mental health professional of your choice to gain support and guidance through the recovery process.

*Parts perspective is inspired by Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.

This blog is for informational purposes only. It does not represent therapeutic advice. Follow me on Instagram @compassionate_counsellor for more resources on perfectionism and people-pleasing.